A NEAR MISS

 I got up very early (for me) this morning and headed out to play 9 holes. I was at the golf course just after 6AM at the start of a beautiful day.

The golf course is in a lovely setting surrounded be water and hills with views out over the striking volcanic formations of Whangarei Heads.

There was only one other car in the car park and that golfer had set out to play the back 9 holes. I played the front 9. It's especially nice playing at this time of the morning as there is more birdlife activity and the colours of the trees, water and hills change rapidly as the sun rises. being first onto the greens is a treat as the track of the ball through the dew shows the line to the hole, or not as the case may be.

Not having anyone following is good as well as there is no pressure in having to move along and more care can be taken with shots and there is more time to look for golf balls. I played some great tee shots and was happy with my play. I didn't find any balls though and this song went through my head - to my changed lyrics.

No balls today, no golfers went astray
I stand here quite forlorn, in the early morning dawn
No balls today, it makes me very sad
But it'll make The Old Girl glad

Why can't she know, how much it means to me
To find some new balls, in creeks and under trees
Doesn't she know, it harks back to my past
When to play a round, I needed a ball fast

No balls today .......

All was good though - until disaster struck. Gather around folks and I'll tell you a scary story.

Just after the 7th hole (which I played brilliantly) I headed down a steep path to the 8th tee, pulling my golf trundler behind me. Suddenly a golf ball rolled between my feet and I just managed to stop it and picked it up. I was wondering where it came from as there were no golfers behind me. Looking back I was shocked to see that the lid to the seat/storage box on the trundler had flapped open due to the vibrations from going down the steep and bumpy path. The ball had bounced out!

I was horrified and walked back up the path to see if any more had bounced out. I couldn't see anything so, hopefully I didn't lose any. It was a near miss though.

  

      
                       A near miss

(image courtesy of Richard's bass Bag
- why should I get all the blame?)

LET'S TALK ABOUT LAZY BASTARDS 2

 In the previous post I talked about golf being ruined by lazy bastards using golf carts to get around.

The other day I played 9 holes and, on the 9th tee, caught up with (and I was walking) these lazy bastards.

Four men of about my age and younger playing a round together each with their own bloody golf cart.

Well, really!

"Well, really!"

LET'S TALK ABOUT LAZY BASTARDS

 

On Wednesday mornings, at my golf club there's a tournament named LOBs.

Apocryphally LOBs stands for Lazy Old Bastards but no-one really knows. One of the regulars told me that it stands for Lovely Old Blokes but I think he was just being optimistic.

I rejoined the golf club back in 2018 after I had my stroke as I see it as a way of keeping fit. There are a couple of fairways that are quite steep (one is named Heart Attack Hill) and I always play this one as it forces me to march up pulling my golf trundler behind me.

All good.

But, over the last few years there's been an 'explosion' in the use of battery powered golf carts with the club itself investing in quite a few that are rented out, and sheds have been built for members who own their own golf carts to house them there.

I've got no problem with the use of golf carts by the elderly and the infirm but, to me, it's a bloody joke that fit young people use these all the time on their rounds. It's not exactly a sport then, more like waving a stick about after hooning about in an oversized toy.

The outcome is that the old, leisurely round of golf is becoming something else with idiots racing along on their four wheels, putting pressure on anyone in front of them who carry their clubs or use trundlers. I wouldn't mind if they were considerate but sadly many of them are not and treat the fairways like a race track. 

Now there are some older people using these carts but by far the majority are young 'tradie' types - the ones who drive souped up 4WD utes. These fuel their speed and aggression desires making them a danger on the roads and now they are doing the same on the golf course. I'm getting sick of it and refuse to be hurried along,

It doesn't help when morons like Donald Trump are seen doing it - even driving over the greens.

QUARDLE OODLE ARDLE WARDLE DOODLE

 

I set the alarm for 6AM which was a bit over-ambitious as it was still dark when I was woken. I then reset it for 6.45 and got some extra sleep. At 7AM I headed out to the golf course.

It was a beautiful morning with the sun coming up with the promise of a lovely day. The marks in the grass showed where I walked and the dew-covered greens tracked the ball.

I played well and did a quick 9 holes before returning home and completing the 'trailer pad' before it got too hot.

There's something special about playing golf at dawn. Usually there's no-one else around and it's quiet apart from the birds waking up. This morning the overriding calls were from the magpies in the big pine trees.

THE MAGPIES - DENNIS GLOVER

THE MAGPIES

by Dennis Glover

When Tom and Elizabeth took the farm
The bracken made their bed
and Quardle oodle ardle wardle doodle
The magpies said

Tom's hand was strong to the plough
and Elizabeth's lips were red
and Quardle oodle ardle wardle doodle
The magpies said

Year in year out they worked
while the pines grew overhead
and Quardle oodle ardle wardle doodle
The magpies said

But all the beautiful crops soon went
to the mortgage man instead
and Quardle oodle ardle wardle doodle
The magpies said

Elizabeth is dead now (it's long ago)
Old Tom's gone light in the head
and Quardle oodle ardle wardle doodle
The magpies said

The farm's still there. Mortgage corporations
couldn't give it away
and Quardle oodle ardle wardle doodle
The magpies say.

My mum used to recite that poem to us when we were kids. She was brought up in South  Canterbury - Eiffelton near Ashburton. There were huge macrocarpa hedges bordering the farms as well as very old, tall pine and other conifer plantations. The magpies would roost in the high branches and call out with that cry that Glover has captured so well.

The sound resonated with me as it did with my mother, when I holidayed at the old family dwelling.

I remember crisp frosty mornings with thick ice in the water pump reservoir, the stunning sight of the snowcapped Southern Alps in the distance and of course, the magpies saying quardle oodle ardle wardle doodle.

STRAIGHT UP

 

STRAIGHT UP

I played 9 holes on Friday and 7 on Sunday.

It was really hot even though I didn't hit the course until after 3.30PM each day.

I decided to try a new teeing off trick - one that I've been using for putting for a while. A few years ago I was playing with a good golfer and I noticed that when he was putting he used the writing on the golf ball to point towards the hole. I tried this and it made a real difference.

I kneel or lie down on the green and use my putter shaft to show a line from the ball to the hole. I then turn the ball so that the writing lines up with the shaft. The difference in accuracy is amazing.

Nowadays golf ball manufacturers are adding lines to golf balls for this purpose.

Callaway even have three lines on the ball so that the golfer can use the centre one for a straight putt and the left or right one if they can see that there is a 'break' in the green.

I now don't feel so silly of someone noticed me lining up the ball. I used to get funny looks.

Anyway. on the last two outings I applied this trick to my tee shots. I crouched or laid down and used the driver shaft to point down the fairway to where I wanted to go. I then lined up the line on the ball on the tee with the shaft. As I prepared to hit the ball I noticed that the perceived direction was different from what I had been doing. Effectively I had been hitting the ball slightly in the wrong direction, either to the left or the right. Using this trick I now began hitting the ball straight down the middle of the fairway.

Over the two days I managed to drive my best tee shots ever on nine different holes. It was amazing. I also used the technique on fairway wood shots and once again it helped with accuracy. I'm sold.

**************

A sad story. Look away now if you are of a sensitive nature.

Yesterday, after the first hole, I walked from the green to the second tee. This requires walking across a footbridge over a stream. As I was crossing I looked down and saw a gold ball in the water - a nice, white, shiny and new-looking golf ball. Beauty! I crossed the bridge, pulled out my telescopic golfball retriever and climbed down to the edge of the stream. I was able to easily retrieve the ball and carefully swung the expanded pole away from the water and above the deep grass I was standing in. Instead of doing what I normally do, that is keeping an eye on the ball while it is in the cradle at the end of the shaft, I concentrated on collapsing the sections of the telescopic shaft. When I turned my head I saw that the ball had disappeared from the cradle. It had fallen into the long grass somewhere but I didn't know exactly where. I started to search but saw that there were golfers on the first hole fairway so I had to make a move WITHOUT FINDING THE GOLF BALL!.

HOLES WITH ONE

 You might recall the presents I bought The Old Girl for Christmas and her birthday - a wheelbarrow, a sack trolley and some garden tools. Well, she bought me a new golf club for Christmas - a Universal adjustable club that can serve as an iron (numbers 1 through 9), a wedge (several settings) and a putter. See: ONE SHOT

We settled on the Universal not the Divnick basically because it was the only one that we found on Trade Me. This cost $200 which was a lot cheaper than buying new but a lot more than the full set of excellent Bridgestone clubs I bought for $156 back in October.

The Universal has an adjustable head that can change loft depending on the shot planned.

It also has a telescopic shaft that can be minimised for travelling with, and can fit     in a bag or backpack.

I went out and tried it this afternoon. It took a bit of fiddling to master changing the settings but I've mastered that now.

It also took a bit of practice to become familiar with the club at the different settings but I also mastered that and was able to practise until I was hitting some good shots.

The club is no serious substitute for the full set but as an easy tool for the occasional game it is great. I just had the club and a small shoulder bag with some balls, tees and my golfing glove and didn't have to haul a trundler along. I played a few holes and was able to par a fairly difficult par 4 hole and for the others I was 1 over par, two over par, two over par and three over par. Excellent for a first attempt..

The only trouble is that I think it needs a golf ball retrieving attachment.

If this could be added to the club easily I'd be in heaven.

As it was I found 6 golf balls in the streams but fetching them was difficult without a retriever. I ended up walking in the streams which were surprisingly deep getting my new shoes wet and with the water coming up over the bottom of my shorts (don't tell The Old Girl). Well, I couldn't leave those golf balls there could I?

ONE SHOT*

 I've had a bad back for the last few weeks and have been unable to play golf or tennis and even going for walks has been painful.

I finally went to a physiotherapist last week and now feel a lot better. I have another physio appointment this week and hopefully, after another deep tissue massage I should be right.

I was thinking about giving golf a try and might do this next week.

While thinking of it, the idea of hauling along a set of golf clubs, if the back precludes me from swinging, is a bit daunting. I thought about walking the golf course, and looking for golf balls obviously, but carrying a golf club for the odd hit to justify my being on the course.

Which club though?

There are so many variants and in order to play a couple of holes properly I'd need more than one club, surely.

"My name's not Shirley" - an old and corny joke favoured by Richard.

 

This is when I had the brainwave. Eureka! Another of my billion dollar ideas.

What if I invented an adjustable golf club that could telescope in and out and the club head changed depending on the shot to be played - from driver right down to putter? Brilliant!

I got the idea from my expandable hiking pole I use when walking.

Note: This is not a walking stick!

I got excited about this idea but before I told The Old Girl and before I commissioned engineers and applied for a patent I decided to check out the internet.

Bummer!

Some bastard has stolen my idea.

JS GOLF CLUB

How unfair is that?

Maybe I'll see about buying one.

* I've had a Jack Reacher theme running in recent posts.